When will I feel better?
by lifes-mysteries18
Summary: I miss Sirius too Harry."


Harry sat alone in an extravagant cushioned chair, lights off, staring into the burning fire. Outside the snow fell bitterly and Hogwarts students had snowball fights and compared what they'd received this morning. The light reflected off his glasses, flickering shadows across his eyes. He didn't notice though, he rarely noticed anything.

Another figure stood in the doorway, light from the hallway forming an almost angelic halo around his body. He too wore the blank expression Harry wore, but he stared at the boy, not the fire.

A log turned in the fire, and it sizzled. The figure started, and his sad eyes regaining focus, stepped into the room.

"Hello Harry." he spoke, not able to think of anything else.

The boy showed no sign of even noticing the man, except for the slight movement of his mouth as the words, "hello professor Lupin." Came pouring out.

"You know its Remus, Harry." Remus sighed, running a calloused hand through his hair tiredly. "I miss him too you know." He whispered, moving in front of the fire.

"It's not the same." Harry stated flatly.

"How Harry?" Remus asked quietly, his voice rich with passion, "Why is this so much worse for you than it is for me?"

Harry seemed to stare right through Remus's torso at the fire he knew flickered from behind. Suddenly, he stood, bringing himself to near Remus's height and less than half a foot in front of him.

"He's the only one who loved me." Harry said, "the only family I've ever had that hasn't locked me in a cupboard or wanted me dead."

Remus closed his eyes, "He was the only family I had too, Harry. Because of my lycanthropy, my parents wanted nothing to do with me. I haven't seen them or talked to them since I was fourteen and ran away. I spent the rest of my school years between your dad's house, Peter's house, and on the run with Sirius. Your father died, Peter as good as died, and now- so has Sirius. How can you say that it's not the same?"

Harry shrank back down into the overly stuffed chair, removed his glasses and put his face in his hands. A few sobs raked through his body, but Remus didn't leave. Brilliant green eyes peered out at him through the cracks between his fingers, and then closed again. Removing his hands, but keeping his eyes closed, Harry ran a hand through his hair and muttered "I'm sorry Moony." When Remus didn't respond, Harry allowed his eyelids to flutter open and saw the blurry figure of the last marauder staring at him with something akin to astonishment.

"You looked so much like James, just there. I could of sworn- oh don't mind me Harry, just an old man's rambling."

"I like your rambling." Harry said shyly, "Want to sit with me?" he asked, shoving over in the seat.

Lupin smiled sadly, and sat beside Harry. Their two bodies fit perfectly in the chair made for Hagrid, and both stared into the fire in compatible silence.

The feeling of being alone did not leave either of them, but they reveled in the companionship they each brought the other.

"When will I feel better Remus?" Harry asked, looking into the werewolf's eyes and pleading with him to issue the desired answer. That it would all be all right soon. That it wouldn't hurt again.

"The pain of losing someone you love, never goes away Harry." Remus said, and Harry looked to his hands, "it does, however, lessen a considerable amount to the point where you can recall fun times with ease, or reminisce with an old friend without becoming sad."

"Remember last Christmas?" Harry asked, "God rest ye Merry Hippogriffs." He laughed softly, after singing the line of the song very off key. "That was my first Christmas with family and presents."

"Do you think Sirius enjoyed it?"

Harry thought for a moment, "Yes."

"Do you think he would want you so upset on a day that always made him so happy?"

"No. But I can't help it Moony. I just cant."

"I know Harry, neither can I. But we can try, together, to make it a happy day for everyone else."

Harry nodded, "I don't mean to upset them. But they try to talk to me about Sirius, and I just cant handle it."

"You've been talking about him with me for the last bit Harry."

"You're different. You miss him as much as me."

"Yes Harry, I do."

"How can you walk around seeing everyone so happy while you're so miserable? Whenever I step out of Professor Dumbledore's sitting room into the halls and see someone smiling, all I can think is, 'how can you be so happy, Sirius is dead."

"They don't know you've lost someone. You don't tell anyone. They don't understand that it hurts you for them to be so cheerful around you, I don't think you even told Ron or Hermione how you feel about it."

Harry returned his gaze to the fire, he noted the shadows flickering and the lights reflection on his lenses. A blanket was suddenly placed round his shoulders and he turned to see Remus with his wand out, tucking the corners tightly under his shoulders.

If anyone was to see Harry in the next few minutes, they would of thought it an every day occurrence for him to rest his head on the older man's shoulder. Inside however, Harry mentally chastised himself for being so bold, only relaxing when he felt strong fingers rubbing his head and smoothing his hair.

"Pain fades over time Harry, but it takes much longer if you don't let people in."

Harry shifted, snuggling in deeper. Pleading silently for the kind of comfort he had never received as a toddler.

Remus readily provided this comfort, placing an arm around Harry's shoulder. "I think-" Harry said, "I think I can get better, if you help me."

Remus didn't answer, but inside he thought to himself that perhaps Harry helped him, more than he helped Harry. Needing to be loved was an emotion Remus had lived with all his life, but having someone to love who needed love as much as you, this was a new and foreign thing.


End file.
